GAY PEOPle's ChroNICLE December 6, 1996

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Becky Streem LISW, CCDC III 216-953-8809

Dr. Eileen McGee & Associates, Inc. 34950 Chardon Road Suite 102 Willoughby Hills, Ohio 44094

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BIG TIPS

Ask 'em out! Ask 'em out! Waa-a-ay out!

by M.T. “the Big Tipper” Martone

In a frightening turn of events, I found myself listening to a “lite” station on my Walkman yesterday during my walk to work. After three or four futile sweeps of the dial, I had decided to stop on the next thing that came in clearly, and I landed on ... Whitney Houston. So sweet, so inoffensive, so... like Poppin' Fresh crescent rolls. If you close your eyes to the chemicals, they'll do in a pinch.

By the time I stumbled into work, I'd heard Jim Croce and Gordon Lightfoot, and had been lulled into slack-jawed submission. My co-workers had to rip the headphones off my head and slap me until I'd regained enough cynicism to function. I guess I just have to go out and buy some tapes to play in my tape player. Maybe Gordon Lightfoot.

Dear Big Tipper,

I've just returned from a holiday trip with my lover, and I'm in the bedroom cooling down so I don't yell at him.

We went to my parents' house for Thanksgiving dinner, and all he did was pick at the food. He's normally a hearty eater, and my parents know this, because we eat over there at least once a month. My mom's feelings were really hurt, I could tell, and I don't know what was wrong with him. He was being polite, but when I pulled him aside and asked what was wrong, he said he was just feeling a little down, and wasn't that hungry.

I don't want to be mad at him if he's already down, but it was Thanksgiving, and my mom had been cooking for days, and she even made some things because he particularly likes them (like creamed onions), and he didn't even touch them.

I don't even know why I'm mad, but I am. I feel like I was stuck between my parents and him, and I couldn't make them both happy at the same time. What do you think I should have done, or should say to him or my parents?

Dear Stuffed,

Feel Like the Turkey

Man, there's nothing like someone who's been cooking for days to put a little pressure on any proceedings. Here's what I think: You're mad because you can't control how your lover behaves or feels, and you're still in the middle. Even when everyone's supposed to be "owning" their own feelings, Gracious Host Syndrome makes it difficult not to try to smooth things out as they go. You might also have been hypersensitive to how badly your mom was feeling. If you tucked away significant amounts of the holiday spread, that should have done her heart good, if not yours.

Holidays can be heavy. I don't know why your partner was sad, but you both weren't with his parents for the day, and that could bring him down for six or seven different reasons. It sounds like your parents really like him (at least enough to make creamed onions), so they've probably already let it go that he was a little off. If for some reason they

actually seem cross about it, it's your lover's job to talk to them, not yours. It's also never anyone's job to eat when he doesn't want to: that's a brand of obedience that's bad for our bodies and our heads.

Consider having your parents over for the next big holiday dinner. It sounds like your mom needs a break, and if she really needs to get it out of her system, she can spurn your lover's onions. Go, give your honey a squeeze, and your family a call.

Dear Big Tipper,

I'm a dyke with a peculiar problem. I don't have any trouble finding dates as long as I'm the one aggressively pursuing them, but as soon as I slack of a little, my love life goes down the tubes. I've ruled out the extraordinary personal defects-I'm outgoing, smart and cute. One friend of mine pointed out that perhaps girls that are attracted to me just aren't saying so. While this could be the case, it only serves to deepen the darkness that shrouds this situation.

I don't mind being the first to approach a potential date, but it's wearying. Is it so bad to want to be asked out first? Is being asked out once or twice a year a normal average? If I didn't work at it, I could be,

Dateless in Dublin

Dear It's On Your Shoulders or You're Not On Your Back,

You're right. They're weak. Here's a pep talk for all those cowards.

How many times does Ms. Martone have to bounce around in her sassy cheerleader skirt and shout: "Ask 'em out, Ask 'em out, Waaaaaaay out!” Haven't we seen enough made-for-TV movies in which some poor soul, on her deathbed, croaks out the wish that she had lived and loved more?

This is the truth: If you're over 21, asking someone out on a date shouldn't be a souldestroying feat. Lie to yourself if you must, but convince yourself it's okay if she says no (although it would be really cool if she said yes), march your butt over to her in person, and keep it light: “Would you like to go for a cup of coffee some time?" Notice that you didn't say "go out," so if she says no, you can console yourself; she didn't even know you were asking her on a date.

If words are not coming out of your mouth, don't scorn The Note. Once again, keep it light: "You're cute as a bug. Wanna get a cup of joe sometime? (Your name, phone number)" Press this into her palm, and although you may have to watch her giggle and point you out to her friends, this tactic has been known to work, and you don't even have to remember all those fancy folding techniques that note-passing used to require in junior high. Be bold, and impress yourself when it works! ✓

Send your questions on life and love to M.T. Martone, care of the Chronicle, P.O. Box 5426, Cleveland 44101; or fax to 216-631-1082; or e-mail ChronOhio @aol.com.

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